Scientology: Galactic Overlord Xenu Strikes Back!

All this talk about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has put Scientology into the fore of entertainment media lately.

Let me say about Tom Cruise - the man is obviously a simpleton to a very high degree. Yes, Tom, I'm sure you have studied the history of psychology and read research studies on Ritalin. Uh huh.

I personally attended a Scientology "sales pitch" with my friend Phil - they have a Lincoln Park office in Chicago, and we decided to go for shits and giggles. It was without a doubt the dumbest crock of shit I've ever been exposed to in my life - and I've watched entire presidential debates, mind you. In addition to the vapidity of the idology espoused, there was plain-faced con artistry at work, as well. Perhaps I'll describe my experience in a little while. Right now, some links to chew on.

Here is an interesting read. It is a biography of L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology's deranged and criminally insane founder. Here is a summary of the "religion's" tenets and history. Here is Scientology's official site.

Here are two tracts written by a victim of Scientology. One is a narrative account, the other is a more scholarly analysis.

Unbelievably fascinating reading which should put you off of ever wanting to pay admission for a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie ever again.

I am interested in meeting and talking to a living, breathing scientologist, whether currently practicing, or "defected." Contact me, Matthew Weflen, at matthewweflen at yahoo dot com.

Comerica Park: Diamond in the very very rough

Tell someone you are traveling to Detroit, and you're liable to get all sorts of interesting reactions. "Detroit? God, Why?!" Or, "I'll never go back there again." Or, "When can I plan on attending your funeral?"

I had never been there before planning this mini-trip to see a Sox game there this Tuesday. All told, it was definitely on the cheap side: about $40 for a round trip Amtrak ticket, $68 for a room, and $18 for 2 upper deck tickets to the game. Throw in two cab rides and a dinner, and it was probably a $150 experience. So perhaps my perceptions are diluted a bit by my happy inner budget-hound - but Detroit didn't seem all that bad. Sure, the room was dingy, the streets were deserted at midday and pockmarked like Serajevo in the mid 90s, and people seemed to kind of loll around in a dreamy haze, unaware of their surroundings. All of these things are bad, to be sure.

Maybe it was my visit to Comerica Park that has me so happy about my time.

Pricing: on the whole, prices are quite average for MLB in the Midwest. There are, however, some great deals to be had: $8 bleacher seats, $12 UDR seats, and $5 "Skyline" UD corner seats. The best element of the pricing is the Monday through Thursday 2-for-1 UDR deal - essentially making $12 seats $6 for all weeknight games. This is a model for what the White Sox ought to do - at the game I attended, people were distributed evenly throughout the park, but UD and LD - which is quite a stark contrast to Comiskey's packed LD and tumbleweed-blowing UD. An interesting section is the Lower Deck Terrace: extra wide wooden seats with tables next to them, and food/drink service. I have not really seen this before - they ring the lower deck right by the concourse, so they offer quite a good view.

Another boon to the budget-conscious was the quite reasonable selection of concessions and prices. $5 for a beer and $3.50 for a dog or slice of pizza represent a slight discount over other prices I’ve seen. By far the most popular item, however, based on my seeing it in about 40% of every fan’s hands, were the Extra Tall Daiquiri cups for $7. You get a half-liter of the daiquiri flavor of your choice – in a huge barbell shaped cup with an extra-long straw.

Seats at Comerica are pitched very pleasantly – I never had a problem seeing home plate, regardless of whether someone sat in front of me. The seats themselves are comfortable, though not the pinnacle in my opinion. Every chair has a cup holder – including chairs on aisles – they each have a cup holder very thoughtfully attached to the armrest. Little touches like these abound at Comerica.

For the kids and/or just the baseball-uninclined, there is a spacious picnic and “carnival” area – replete with baseball-themed Ferris Wheel and hedge sculptures, as well as oodles, veritable prides of Tiger statues dotting both the inside and outside of the park. Speaking of exteriors, Comerica’s is very nice. There is an attached parking garage for the drivers out there, and walking around the stadium structure was quite pleasant – the field itself is recessed down under street level, which allows pedestrians to view the game from the sidewalk surrounding the outfield. Architecturally, from both inside and out, Comerica is a very pleasant, well-thought out, integrated experience.

Detroit may look like crap to walk through, but from the ballpark, the view is idyllic. Downtown ballparks with skyline views are my new absolute favorite thing. It just so perfectly captures the true essence of baseball – the idealized escape from the urban, and lets the civic identity of a team and its host really shine.

Fans were quite pleasant – walking away from a crushing Tiger loss, one would have been hard pressed to tell whether anyone was disappointed, thrilled, or feeling much of anything at all. This further contributed to my image of Detroitans as a bunch of lurching, shell-shocked zombies… but hey, when you’re visiting an opposing park, it’s nice not to be hassled.

All in all, Comerica Park is a baseball venue that does nothing badly and some things particularly well. It should be the model for any open-air downtown baseball stadium. Now, as for the city...

Seat comfort: 4 - All seats I sampled were pitched very nicely, and had unobstructed views.
Concessions: 4 - Very good prices ameliorate so-so quality.
Scoreboard: 4 - The board had plenty of info, but the typeface was quite small, and the "jumbo" tron was anything but. The out of town scoreboard was large and up-to-date.
P.A. system: 5 - Finally, someone gets it right - kept at the perfect volume to avoid distortion. Everything was crystal clear..
Ticket Prices: 4 - Average most places, but good deals exist for cheapos like me.
Exterior Architecture: 5 - This park is a joy to look at from the outside, especially its field view sidwalk in the OF.
Interior Arch.: 4 - The view was to die for. The concourses were easily navigable. Downtick for super-narrow exit ramps which held us up when leaving.
Access: 3 - Parking was an atrocious $20 for drivers. Walking to and from the park was no problem, and there are some decent eats nearby. On the other hand, straying too far was a rather frightening concept...
Ushers: 4 - The ushers were friendly and never got in the way.
Trading up: 4 - Fans can access all levels. UD trading up was extremely easy, despite the pretty good attendance up there - I was behind home plate in $20 seats for the whole game, when I paid $6 for the LF side.

Points out of 50: 41

Miller Park: The Same Old Garbage in a Shiny New Can

The title quote is from my Uncle Tom, a long-suffering Brewers fan (who haven't had a winning season since 1992) who likes the park, but hates the management, the team, the pervading aura of failure, etc.

It's tough to disagree there. Luckily for fans of the Brew Crew, new management has come into town, and has both increased payroll and made some exciting trades which look to at least elevate the Brewers into .500 territory. I couldn't be happier, since: 1. Their fans deserve it, and 2. They play the Cubs 19 times or so. Go Brewers!

On to the park. Miller Park benefits from that glorious hybrid of modern stadium design, the retractable roof. It's the most distinctive architectural feature present - a giant green roof which spreads apart radially from the center behind home plate. Closed during cold weather, the park still gets loads of natural light, owing to the huge vaulted windows around the UD and OF. Open, it allows for a natural grass field and a perfectly outdoor baseball experience. Man, I wish we had one of these puppies at Comiskey when it's 35 degrees in April.



Ticket prices are shockingly high for a team which hasn't cracked the cellar for such a long time. Gone are the $1 "Bob Eucker seats" which ringed the top of the UD. New management must have been leery of an otherwise empty UD being upgraded into by $1 skinflints. (I'd sure do it...)

The only true budget area now is Bernie's Terrace, for $5 during regular games and $8 "marquee" games (no relation to former Brewer Marquis Grissom, mostly they're games against the Flubbies.) OF "Bleacher" seats are available for $10-$15, but I can tell you from experience that these seats are hardly worth it. They have obstructed views of the OF, and are about as close to the action as a tailgate party in the parking lot. The best "deal" would be "Terrace Reserved" UD seats for $12-$15. Get them behind home plate in the UD and you'll be doing fine.

The best seats in the house IMHO are the "Loge Infield" and Loge Diamond" boxes, 200 level, for $20-$32. These seats are slightly elevated above the LD (some are even more expensive, which bears out my judgment of their quality), offering a tremendous view of the action. I sat in 211 for a Preseason game against the Sox this year (pictures to come).

The main issue with seats in the OF at Miller Park is their obstructed nature. I am assuming that these decks were built so far inwards owing to the roughly cylindrical shape of the building, to accommodate the roof. Unfortunately, this means that you can never see both foul poles at once unless you are in the 30% of the park or so by home plate. The further you go down the line, the less you can see of your OF corner.

Concessions are high in quality and midrange in prices. The bratwurst in particular can't be beat, with optional kraut and brown mustard. Beer is available in plastic bottles, which is nice, considering how much it sucks to have a cloud of someone's peanut shavings drift into your lidless beer cup. It also prevent spillage from spasmodic Cubs fans.

In-game entertainment is standard fare except for the famed Sausage Races. In this delightful distraction, 4 sausages (German, Italian, Polish and Hot Dog) race from foul pole to foul pole around the diamond. An emasculated Bernie Brewer, who used to slide into a giant mug of beer at old County Stadium now slides down a slide and waves a flag when the Brewers hit a homer. The scoreboard is very nice, but a little high in the stratosphere and far away for comfortable viewing.

Bathrooms and concourses are particularly nice at Miller. I swear, some of these bathrooms resemble the cleanest airport restrooms you've ever seen. Concourses are extremely wide with plenty of space for concession lines. This I'm sure owes to the aforementioned cylindrical construction of the park.

Milwaukee fans are middle of the pack as far as making your visit enjoyable. There are a lot of families, which is nice, but public drunkenness is definitely a pronounced feature. And some of these Milwaukee residents are folks you don't want to mess with, take my word for it.



Pre, Post, and during-game Tailgating is the thing du jour in Miller's extremely copious and relatively affordable parking lots. The smells of all sorts of roast carcass can be picked up wafting in the breeze. The lots are so big, there's a bathroom stop at the halfway point.

Seat comfort: 5 - Cup holders, good views, and TEMPERATE CONDITIONS ALL YEAR make Miller a tough park to beat for comfort.
Concessions: 4 - The brats rock. Beer has some variety (but non-Miller products are hard to find), and is priced very average for MLB. You'd think they'd cut you a deal since the park is named for a brewery...
Scoreboard: 3 - Nice and pretty, but very remote.
P.A. system: 4 - Good sound system is aided by interior acoustics.
Ticket Prices: 3 - Pretty bad considering the Brewers' atrocious record.
Exterior Architecture: 4.5 - This park is seriously pretty from the outside. The Roof is a sight to see. Only a very bland outfield wall brings this down a half-tick.
Interior Arch.: 4 - Sight lines are impaired by verticality of construction. Otherwise sweet. Concourses are to die for.
Access: 5 - The largest parking lot you've ever seen, right off the freeway. No problemo.
Ushers: 3 - There were ushers? Oh yeah. LD ushers watch people like a hawk.
Trading up: 3 - Fans can access all levels. LD ushers are very stingy about trading up, however. Go for the UD.

Points out of 50: 38.5

Wrigley Field, Or, To Hell and Back

OH, Wrigley Field, how we long to sing your praises, you shrine of baseball you, which houses that holiest of baseball teams, the Cubs, and their holy trinity of Wood, Prior and Zambrano, who will most surely deliver us from evil into a World Series berth, once Wood wins more than 14 a year, that is, which is Sure To Happen, because we have been so Faithful.....

BARF. You might think Barf sums up Wrigley Field and its legion of delusional acolytes, but PISS is a better descriptor. For Wrigley truly is The Urinal of Baseball.

Wrigley, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

Ticket prices would already be bad enough, the 2nd highest in the MLB, if it weren't for the added punch in the nuts of the Cubs scalping their own tickets for more than face value! What with the thousand dollar premiums these set-aside tickets command, prices would easily average the highest in the majors.

Oh, but let's be fair here. The Cubs offer 6 "Value" dates for which obstructed view UD seats go for $6. Those wonderful souls. I mean, they only have 40 "Prime" dates and 35 "Regular" dates. But you have to pay a premium for "prime games," right? Half the season, that is...

So let's say you actually find some tickets, win the lottery or something, and go to a game. What can you expect while there? Why, it's baseball's grand "way back" machine, in which intrusive advertisements do not exist, all the views are wonderful, and that old-timey feel just seeps into your bones. Right?

WRONG.



I will admit, the field itself looks pretty nice, and the views from about 40% of the seats are good. But man, you ever sit in one of those under-the-overhang seats in the LD where 30% of your view is of wonderful, old-timey Steel Pole, and you have to crane your neck at about an 80 degree angle for 3 hours, while your back is ground to a fine powder by the torture device seats, and you'll have a new appreciation for molded plastic and no-pole concrete construction. And nothing gives you that old time feeling of childhood better than staring at someone's head for 3 hours, just like when you were 5 years old. The ~1.5 degree pitch of the grandstand assures you of this.



If you ever get caught in a rain delay, kiss your hard earned money blown on scalped tickets goodbye - Wrigley Field has by far the worst grounds crew in baseball, at least that I've ever seen. I mean, people, it's a frickin' tarp. How hard could it be? Yes, I know these people need jobs too, but seriously... Just yesterday a game was cancelled and rescheduled for a doubleheader because of spotty showers which abated completely by 4 PM. Last year, they were so inefficient covering the field, a game against the Sox was called in the 5th, followed by 6 hours of sunny, perfect conditions.

It's still worth it, the faithful say. You can never appreciate a ballpark until you accept those quirks and idiosyncrasies. Or until a chunk of conrete burrows into your skull.

And what's not to love about the concourse which runs beneath the grandstand? As you try to exit the park after a game, there is no better feeling than rubbing elbows, armpits, stomachs, and external genitalia with thousands of the other faithful as you try to cram your way out one of the three tiny exits onto the street. And you haven't had a beer spilt on you until you've experienced it in the dank underground cavern of the Wrigley concourse. And you haven't gone to the bathroom until you've peed in a trough facing a 400 pound drunkard in a Cubbie mini-tee. Or heck, peeing into the sink is a fun diversion if the line for a half-foot wide trough berth extends out the door. That is, if the bathroom isn't closed due to flooding or overcrowding. In that happy event, relieving yourself on a neighboring building is the pee du jour.



Wrigley Field is located conveniently in a neighborhood once known as Lakeview, now known as "Wrigleyville." Oh, it's big fun to try and drive, eat, stroll along public ways, or generally live in this area, especially on game days/nights.

Cubs Fans are part of the Wrigley experience as well.



What is a day at the ballpark without seeing 5 year olds exposed to rowdy and randy fratboys shouting obscenities to nubile betube-topped scatterbrains fresh from a gray-market Girls Gone Wild video? And now that Sammy has flown the coop to Baltimore, the chants of "Beer Man!" and "What Just Happened?" are all the more audible. It's a veritable symphony of remedial baseball education.

All right, enough of this. I could go on for days. Let's get to the ratings.

Seat comfort: 2 - Designed in an age when Hobbits roamed the Earth, these seats are a surefire ticket to a chiropractic appointment. The grandstands have a very low pitch, making for a nice close-up view of the back of someone's head if they're over 4'10".
Concessions: 3 - Average food at high prices. The Foot long Chili Dog is a pretty good deal.
Scoreboard: 4 - It is kind of neat looking. Thank you Bill Veeck! Not enough info, however.
P.A. system: 4 - What there is sounds perfectly nice.
Ticket Prices: 2 - One way or another, the Tribune Company will f$*% you a new one - they scalp their own tickets. Don't drop the Soap in the restroom! UD is not awful, pricewise, but everything else is.
Exterior Architecture: 3 - Blah, blah and more blah. There's a lighted sign, but that's about it.
Interior Arch.: 3 - Profoundly uncomfortable, this is a torture chamber for all the senses. Only a passable field shape and that wonderful "old timey" feel brings this up a few ticks.
Access: 2 - A hellish labyrinth of human flesh. Parking is obscenely difficult. Drunken yahoos trip you up at every step. Only decent CTA access brings this up a tick.
Ushers: 5 - Actually, some of the nicest 90 year-olds you'll ever meet.
Trading up: 2 - Too many vacant-eyed lemmings to even consider.

Points out of 50: 30

Comiskey Park II: No, I'm not about to start calling it whatever cellphone it's named after...

Ah, Comiskey part deux U.S. SoxPark Cellular Telephone Field. Or whatever they're trying to get us to call it now. The much-maligned "last of the futuristic ballparks", just missing the retro-crazy boat begun by Camden in Baltimore.

A few words of preface - Personally, I like some of the futuristic parks. Kaufman Stadium in KC, which Comiskey II was supposedly modeled after, is a gorgeous example of modern stadium architecture. Roofed stadia like Miller Park, Safeco and Bank One are not exactly retro, either, but fans love their charms and their conveniences. I think retro is overrated. What Retro really means is dank concourses, awful bathrooms, obstructed and uncomfortable seats, and awful fan access (Just wait, my Wrigley Field review is coming...)

So let's give "The Cell" an unbiased treatment, eh?

As far as tickets go, the good news is there are usually plenty available. Like, 20,000 or so. The Sox suffer in Chicago from an unfriendly media, a lower-income fan base, and a very negative perception of both the park and the surrounding neighborhood in Chicago (Let's set aside for the moment that crime rates are actually higher around the Urinal... whoops, I mean Wrigley...)




The bad news is, the tickets are generally overpriced. There are several budget promotions, but you have to be a fan 'in the know' to really take advantage. Mondays are half-priced (9 dates in all, you can see me there in Section 520, $7), While Tuesdays (12 dates) are 2 for 1 in the Upper Deck with a Pepsi product or UPC at the gate. See what I mean? Deals exist, but they make you work for them. On the other side of the coin, there are tiered "Prime", "Premier" and "Cubs" dates, which inflate the price of a normally $14 UD ticket to an obscene $28. Paying for parking is also a bad idea - as it runs $17. $3.50 will get you there and back on the CTA Red Line, less than a block from the park.


Adding insult to injury are the new "Scout Seats," which take about 200 formerly $40 seats and turn them into new, "exclusive" $170-200 seats. This, you see, is to add "value" for the fans. Your ass now has a pad under it, and you get parking, a restaurant-style dinner, and in-seat service for the price. Not that this is the worst deal ever (considering parking and concession prices), but it's just another rip against the budget conscious fan, of which the Sox have a plenitude.



Luckily, the Sox' very healthy scalper contingent will cut you a deal on most seats on the day of game. If you go this route, do NOT pay face or higher! Know your market, my friends. Best bet: Look for fans scalping extras. It should be pretty evident who the fans are and who the "professional" scalpers are. A fan will usually cut you a nice deal on their extras. Lord knows I've done it! Some words of caution, however: despite the fact that tumbleweeds blow through the seats half the time, Sox brass and security personnel are very strict about enforcing scalping rules, trying to sell parking passes, looking at them cockeyed, or breathing in the wrong direction. Many are off duty cops with a yen to harrass good, honest, hard-working folk like you and me. I recommend making all your transactions either online (craigslist.com or whitesoxinteractive.com are good bets) or on 35th street west of the railroad bridge - i.e. off Comiskey Park property.

Once inside though, you and your lighter wallet should enjoy things pretty well. Sox fans by and large are some of the best-informed, wittiest, and most passionate fans around. (Ahem.) Yes, they'll pound your ass if you wear Cubs paraphernalia. But what's so bad about that?

Views were originally unobstructed throughout, though after renovation some UD seats and a few CF seats now have minor obstructions. For budget-hounds, 520 and 544 close-up offer very nice views. Behind home plate in the UD is more expensive, but really offers a great view. On the lower deck, anything within the bases in the LD is pretty much golden. As you get into the foul lines and OF seats, however, the angle becomes a little uncomfortable. If it's a choice between a $14 UD seat and a $30 one down the line, I heartily recommend the UD tix for your neck's sake.




If you do spring for LD tix, a nice place to check out is the Fan Deck in center field. This is right above the batters eye, and offers bar style seating with a unique view of the park. Currently, Jerry Reinsdork and the whiz-kids in Sox marketing have not yet made people pay to go here. I advise you check it out before they do. Also fun for the kiddies is the new "FUNdamentals" section - sort of a mini baseball clinic for kids, with hitting, catching, and running instruction. This is located in a new grandstand thing over on the LF concourse.



Concourses and bathrooms are spacious, copious and clean. Rarely will you get caught in a big fan bottleneck (even on sellout days - yes they do happen, the Sox draw around 2 million a season).

Comiskey's food has long been thought the superior of Chicago's 2 parks. I can't disagree. For variety and for price, Comiskey far outstrips Wrigley. Dogs, Polish, brats, burgers, pizza, churros, elephant ears, cotton candy, ice cream, it's all good. Thursdays are dollar dog days, btw. For you carnivores out there, I highly recommend the Char Polish with Grilled Onions, available both LD and UD. Then I recommend a bypass operation. But I digress. Beer is Miller brand (bleargh), except for the "beers of the world" booth I can never seem to find. It runs $5.50.

On the in-game entertainment front, it's a mixed bag. There is way too much canned music for my taste, and the sound system is cranked to an ear-splitting, uncomfortable level, which leaves anything you actually wish to hear rife with distortion. For instance, strains of AC-DC will be seared into your cochlea for the rest of your life, while you'll be straining to hear what the heck Joey Cora says in "Who would play you in a movie?" The long-time organist, Nancy Faust, should be featured much more than she is. The scoreboard is in the middle of the pack as far as information goes. Out of town scores can be pretty out of date, as well. The video board is gorgeous, even when playing one of the Sox' many interminably long pregame videos.



Souvenirs and scorecards are average for a ballpark, expect to pay $30 for a hat inside the park. Better deals for those in the know can be found 2 blocks west on 35th Street, at the "Grandstand" store. You can find hats for $20-$25 there.

Trading up is nigh to impossible at Comiskey II, which really galls me on a half-full day. For one thing, Upper Deck patrons are not allowed on the 100 level - a fan-unfriendly move if I ever saw one. Then, you have innumerable red-shirted drones pestering you to see your ticket. Sigh.

All in all, if you're willing to go a little out of the way both in terms of location and in terms of scouting out a deal, a Sox game is a superior baseball experience to the Flubbies up north. You'll pay less, have far less beer/vomit/urine splashed on you, and see a better team to boot.

The ratings:

Seat comfort: 4 - Most angles are favorable. New green seats are being installed throughout the season, so we'll see on this one. The current Blue seats are comfy compared to the average MLB seat.
Concessions: 5 - Some great stuff mixed with some average stuff. Prices are medium to low for MLB. Thursdays have dollar dogs.
Scoreboard: 4 - The originators of the "exploding" scoreboard, but it could use more info. And a clock which is visible from all seats (the current clock is obstructed to all but patrons in the UD).
P.A. system: 3 - Cranked to deafening levels of noise and distortion.
Ticket Prices: 3 - Deals exist, but they make you scrounge for it. Plenty of scalpers will "help" you out.
Exterior Architecture: 4 - A nice new Bauhaus-inspired UD windscreen and a new roof really spruced this place up.
Interior Arch.: 4 - Great seat locations/views, uninspiring views of the surroundings - turn the damn thing North!
Access: 5 - Easy in, easy out for CTA Red Line patrons, loads of pricey parking as well. Green Line is also close, making access a breeze even on the most crowded days.Sidewalks and concourses surrounding the park are spacious and well-landscaped.
Ushers: 3 - Not the brightest bulbs in the batch, but they do allow water and snacks to be carried in.
Trading up: 2 - Very restrictive and unfriendly policies. There are seats to be had though if you know how to act inconspicuously.


Points out of 50: 37

Jacobs Field - colder than witches' teats, but warm and fuzzy in spirit

Well, I just got back from CLE to watch the Sox win Cleveland's home opener. Woo hoo!

In honor of my having visited three parks in the last two weeks, I've decided to start my own Ballpark tour diary. So first I'll do Cleveland, since I'm essentially fresh off the plane.

"The Jake" as it is affectionately called by Clevelanders, is a pretty nice park, I must say. It has good seats for cheap ($10 in the LF upper deck, $6 around the corner in RF), a very pretty downtown location, and lots of dedicated fans who show up pretty regularly.



My initial seats Monday were in section 575 , which is reasonably priced at $10. The view is nice, almost even with the infield. Unfortunately, for a day game, it is squarely in the shade the whole time - which, combined with a -50 degree arctic wind off of Lake Erie in April, made for a very unenjoyable time.



So my party and I moved all the way around to section 504, which was in the sun. Good lord, what a difference that made. These $6 seats have a bit of obstruction, as you can't see the RF corner. But all in all, since amputation of my extremities was avoided, it was a nice upgrade. I was especially pleased that there were no security goons trying to block the seat switch - one of my absolute pet peeves at a ballpark - especially if you are 'downgrading' in terms of price. On the downside, Cleveland security does NOT allow a fan to take a bottle of water into the park - a blatant price gouge if I ever saw one. Niehter do they allow umbrellas - apparently in response to the rash of umbrella-rifle sniper incidents suffered by ballparks of late.

Cleveland concessions are squarely in the middle to upper-middle of baseball prices. A dog was $3.75, beer was $5.75 (I did not partake, owing to my near death from exposure). A blanket was $40, and a program with scorecard was $2 (I wanted just a scorecard for $1, but I was too incoherent from freezing to complain). One particularly good deal was the bratwurst basket - a brat, pickle, and heaping helping of fried for $5.25. The layout of the UD concourse made things difficult, as there were many rolling booths placed directly opposite permanent concession stands - making for a big cluster-f@#$ of frozen fans as we tried to make our way around the concourse to the sweet sweet embrace of the sun.



Cleveland fans were pleasant and into the game. I don't think I heard one swear word uttered, and only a few obviously drunk fratboys were in evidence (just wait for my Wrigley Field review...) I am told that Injuns' tix were impossible to score in the 90s, but are a bit easier now (I was at their opening day, so I guess so.)

Okay, so let's try this the ESPN way as linked above. I cut out a few categories that they have, since I never buy certain things and some seem redundant.

Seat comfort: 4 - Nothing mind blowing, but both seats I sat in were pitched nicely and were not uncomfortable.
Concessions: 4 - Average across the board. The dog I had was good, but pricey. Availability was extremely spotty. Good deals on combo meals make up for it, though. Fresh squeezed lemonade is a nice touch.
Scoreboard: 4 - A nice big color job with loads of stats, easily seen from all angles.
P.A. system: 3 - Tinny, distorted and annoying. Average for MLB parks.
Ticket Prices: 4 - The Indians have some good deals for budget hounds. Their LD tix, however, are a terrible deal.
Exterior Architecture: 4 - The outside is relatively uninspiring compared to the interior. There are, however,some neat ways to look into the park from the street.
Interior Arch.: 4 - Downtown views. Can't complain. Nice concourses except for the line mishaps, good bathrooms. Some obstructed views bump this down a tad (note the RF picture above)
Access: 4 - Nice downtown location, plenty of people willing to gouge for parking.
Ushers: 3 - Minus points for not allowing water or umbrellas. Plus points for not being seat hawks..
Trading up: 4 - No problems even on opening day. Sweet!

Points out of 50: 38

The death of the American movie theater, or, Lady, quit kicking my goddamn chair!

Hollywood types and general gadabouts (like me) have been pondering and/or fretting the apparent demise of the movie industry – specifically, the practice of actually going to a movie theater to watch a film.

2005, it turns out, represents a tremendous financial slump year in cinema, even with summer “blockbusters” like Star Wars Episode 3 and Batman Begins in theaters - the word “blockbuster” referring to those bygone days when a popular movie would actually have people lining up around the block to see a film.

Many blame the slump to the rise of “home theaters” and DVD sales; some cite the spiraling costs of going to the theater; while others point to the worthless chum being spewed out by studios, mixed liberally with 30 minutes of advertising before the show. Each of these perspectives has merit.

I for one can confirm all of these impulses: I have seen 3 first-run movies this year: Million Dollar Baby (eh), Star Wars Episode 3 (double eh), and Batman Begins (pretty good). I plan to purchase the DVD releases for two of these (the latter two). So in this respect, Hollywood has gotten their dollar out of me – probably $25 for the movie tickets themselves, with another $35 or $40 on the DVD sales.

However, I can name many other recent movies that I did not see in the theater, and am waiting for the DVD release: The Life Aquatic (which I recently purchased on DVD) and Sin City. Also in the recent past are: The Royal Tenenbaums, LOTR: The Two Towers, Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions, among a plethora of others. In fact, the only reason I saw the movies I did in the theater was in the case of Million Dollar Baby, idle boredom, and the latter two, actual excitement to see the films, which couldn’t wait for the DVD release.

What was my thinking? Quite frankly, my personal home theater provides a highly enjoyable and immersive movie experience, and its benefits outweigh the flawed theater-going experience: while the theater screen is large and the sound is good, the floors are sticky, other patrons can be noisy and intrusive, and I am forced to watch 30 minutes of commercials before the film. I would rather pay $20 to own a movie I know I’ll enjoy and watch multiple times in a controlled environment than pay $9 to see it once, with commercials, with innumerable variables which can detract from my enjoyment.

What does home theater represent in terms of American life? I can confirm that it includes a sense of misanthropy and isolationism – While I’m sure you are a swell person and a fine citizen, I don’t want to sit next to you in a theater and listen to you chew your popcorn or make witty asides to your companion. People suck, and are generally worthy of both derision and avoidance. For instance, I saw the first LOTR movie in an IMAX theater. It is certainly an entertaining movie and was capably projected – however, the incessant pounding of a grown adult woman’s feet into the back of my chair for 3 straight fucking hours diminished my enjoyment just a smidgen.

Is something irretrievably lost by not going to the theater? Is there some communal aspect of film enjoyment that withers and pales alone at home? Bah, humbug, I say. If you’re the type than needs a laugh track to know when a TV comedy is funny, then perhaps here is something lost. Otherwise, you ought to know what is scary, what is funny, and what is thrilling on your own.

The notion that home theaters have come close to killing movie houses may be true - back when TV first appeared, movie-makers switched to 70mm "Cinemascope" and "Panavision" formats, in addition to 3D, in an attempt to prevent just this sort of audience loss to home theaters. In recent years, however, no similar strategy has been undertaken to prevent the stay-at-home mentality.

So is there anything theaters can do to combat this trend? Let us ask it this way – if prime-time first-run movies cost $3 or $4 a pop instead of $7 to $10, would attendance increase? I for one can say that my attendance sure would. I think theaters need to start trying to create a “Netflix” type business model – a flat fee for a month of movie patronage – perhaps $19.99 for 4 movies a month (Or, perhaps 10 movie tickets over 6 months for $49.99). You go when you want, you see what you want, you just have to reserve the ticket online or by phone. The theaters will make more on people who only use 80% of their reserved tickets than they would have made with prices at $9 a pop for a single showing, which keeps people away.

The only other solution would be some form of Clockwork Orange-style behavior control to curtail rudeness in theaters… but alas I dream too much…

Misadventures in human behavior on the CTA

You know, when you get on the train and it is comprised of cars from a different line, things are going to be weird. As I stepped on the Brown line and it bore the characteristic stripes of the Purple, I kept my eyes peeled for some strangeness. I didn't have to peel very much at all.

His grotesque, overweight body sprawled across an entire bench seat, a sweaty white male was eating some sort of fast food. The air conditioning was emitting only the weakest of air blasts on this sunny, 85-degree morning. This was defnitely a good sign for the commute to come.

Smeared across his face (I am not making this up) were copious gobs of mayonnaise. Whatever it was he was eating (I could not bring myself to look too closely), he was smacking his lips quite approvingly with each bite and swallow (I assume he was chewing, again, I did not investigate too closely).

As I furiously dig for my iPod, I realize it is happily sitting on my nightstand - unable to offer any sound-isolating bliss amidst this already doomed commute.

Disgusting human beings are everywhere and, by and large, I am not particularly judgmental of them. One man's idea of disgust is another's idea of acceptable cultural variation. And this bit of relativism holds up quite nicely until people:
-Speak
-Expel some sort of bodily gas or odor
-Fall asleep while slumping against you

So this festering gob of humanity turns to the yuppie woman in the next bench (who is aggressively trying to ignore him, and was silently cursing her bad fortune for having sat there), and, while wiping his face with the one napkin he was provided (certainly not enough for the surface area present) says, in the whiny, unmodulated voice only used by the developmentally disabled (socially or otherwise):

"Do I have anything on my face?"

If people routinely crapped their pants in consternation, this woman would have had a nice load down there at this point. If the guy had said instead: “Excuse me miss, has one of my oozing pustules just burst upon you?” the reaction would have been quite similar.

So she is like “I’m Sorry?” Because of course, she had already attempted the iPod isolation technique. But obviously she heard (using the stock earphones), and as he motioned to his mayonnaise-encrusted mug, the best she could stammer was “Um, it looks like you missed a little.”

This is the sort of social interaction that, upon witnessing, makes you start to wonder. If this guy goes apeshit, could I take him down? Could I get out of the car? Is the Red Line going to be waiting at Belmont, could I make my escape there?

As we stood momentarily for a security check, this guy starts singing: “I hate the Chicago Police; You Hate the Chicago Police; We all hate the Chicago Police; Fuck the Chicago Police.”

I tried to bury myself in my book. This is most commuters’ alternate, if less successful strategy, for dealing with lunatics, vagrants, people with offensive body odor, drunkards, and the like.

He went on happily chattering, to no one in particular. Some of the comments sounded pretty heated – I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them were directed at me. Oddly enough, people with these social maladies seem, despite their lack of empathy for those around them, to know when others are trying their best to ignore them.

As the Belmont stop approached, I got up and camped by the door, awaiting my chance to escape. Then I hear behind me: “Yay, Red Line!” and I’m like “Shit – how to back up and sit down again without being noticed and spewed upon?”

Luckily, he went to the other door in the car, so my awkward retreat back into the boweld of the Brown Line went unnoticed. In fact, because whatever god exists has a perverse sense of humor, the A/C started blasting as soon as mayo-man made his exit. So all was good.

This story has no moral. Or punch line, really. But isn’t that very much like life? And like life, the question falls solely upon the liver of it, without narration or commentary from an omniscient author: What should we draw from a given situation?

Did this man have a mental illness? If he did, it wasn’t in the stage where police get out their night sticks. He wasn’t as threatening as say, the guy who coughs spasmodically without covering his mouth, his insides rumbling and rattling with something that must be akin to Tuberculosis. But then, he wasn’t as innocuous as the fat, unbathed black lady who tittered to herself with glee and muttered commentary as I made eyes with the pretty girl across the aisle. He certainly was in a realm of grossness with the gob of mystery goo you’ll come upon on every tenth train window. What is it? Is it a human secretion? Hair product gone awry?

The scary thought is that perhaps, he had no illness whatsoever. Maybe these behaviors are symptoms of a larger disorder, a systemic one. Maybe there are just more of these people cropping up in our socially alienated, pre-packaged society. As more people shut off their ears and eyes, trying their hardest to ignore everyone and thing around them, could these people, born with a higher sensitivity to such things, be crying out, waving their mayonnaisey hands in a desperate attempt to grasp at something, anything, which is real?

I don’t know. But I hope they wipe their fingers off before they do.